don't let the bed bugs bite.

they tell me halloween is the best holiday. where you get to dress up as something you're not.  you can be anything in your wildest dreams just for one night.


not.


halloween is the worst holiday. its that holiday where you're so scared out of your mind that you can't sleep. 


i spent my halloween weekend half in asheville and half in raleigh.  friday night, i went out with my family for dinner. it was really nice.  we went to twisted fork, and then they took me back to the dorm.  saturday i left school at 8am for asheville.  when we got there, i watched brett's game, and then went to the dance afterwards.  there were girls there dressed in lingerie and practically having sex on the dancefloor. totally not my thing, i'd like to think that i am much more classy and elegant than those kl@$$y salem girls.  


sunday, we drove back to raleigh, and i spent the night covered in fake blood, wearing a nightgown, and holding farah's hand while caked under about two inches of makeup.  haunted holt 2010.  theme: saint mary's ghosts.  NOT a good plan.  let's just say that i got about two hours of sleep that night.  i'm scared shitless of ghosts, especially the saint mary's ghosts.  i had some serious issues with them sunday night.  i made Max stay on the phone with me until i fell asleep though. hahaa. 


so, chad texted me yesterday while i was in english.  he told me that his mom told him to listen to a song that reminded him of me.  we've only talked a little bit since, but i really want to have a good conversation with him in which we figure out what happened between us and work it all out.  i miss him, really badly, and i'm pretty sure that he's always going to have me wrapped around his finger.  


this is going to make me sound crazy, and who knows, i probably am, but when i turn eighteen, if he and i are together, we're going to stay together. so, i'm getting his name tattooed on my hip, where my bikini will cover it.  i know, its stupid, and reckless, and completely unnecessary, but i'm going to do it, along with the 5 on my wrist. 


"i told you so" -carrie underwood.


this weekend is FOCUS weekend. bring on the drama, lee beauchamp. i'm sure there will be some.


rawrrrr.

i'm not strong enough for forgiveness.

Another boring day, the usual. Went to breakfast with the advisory at Breuggars.  Had the usual. Asiago Parmesan bagel with Garlic Cream cheese and an orange juice. Typical me..

Woke up with a giant bruise on my arm, which is so sore that it hurts to lift it.  Completely unfair.  I’m saving a life by giving my blood, and I’m still in pain from it? I’m still really drained too.   Its kind of driving me crazy. 

Classes went by really fast today.  Normal nothing in English, the obvious in art, and we watched Scooby Doo in Spanish, which is slowly climbing up the totem pole from being my least favorite class to my favorite, which is really surprising considering I thought I would die in Profe’s class this year. 

Watched the new Glee episode today.  Rock Horror Picture Show? SO CONFUSING. I had no idea what was going on, and it was kinda driving me crazy.

Almost done with my laundry! So excited, considering I haven’t done laundry in like a decade.  Friday, Mary B is coming down to visit me for lunch, and I’m hanging out with Britt Brown that afternoon.  Apparently, there will be a camera involved, which really makes me happy, actually. I love doing photoshoots with Britt. It’s always so much fun.

Stephanie comes up tomorrow for her prospective visit, we’ll have to see how that one goes down.  It’s going to be interesting, that’s for sure.  I’m not really sure how she’s going to fit in here at Saint Mary’s.  She’s a lot different than I am, and she’s not as independent.  She’s also got “only child syndrome.” Ever since I left the house, Mom and Dad have treated her like the only child, so she’s been spoiled beyond belief.  She really wants to come up here and stuff, but I’m just not sure she’s in the typical group that goes here.  She’s kind of punky, kind of pistol, and can be quite controlling at times.  She’s going to have some major issues rooming with someone, and that I can say is 100% true.  She’s going to have the same issues that I did, and god help the girl that pisses her off here. It will not be pretty.  She’ll probably beat them to death. 

Chad texted me during our hall meeting tonight.  Haven’t talked to him in maybe a week or two, and didn’t plan on ever speaking to him again.  I have no idea why he started a conversation though.  He isn’t making this whole “get over your ex-boyfriend of a year and a half who also hooked up with your roommate” thing easy.  He literally drives me insane.  I want so badly to feel like he never existed.  I really wish that I had never met him.  I’ve never loved like I loved him, and I probably won’t ever love someone that much again.  But he went after my best friend, and I hurt him just as badly.  We’re not going to work, I was a bitch, I messed that one up pretty badly, and that’s not to mention hurting Lee in the process.  I just wish that he and I could be as perfect now as we were when we first met each other.  Nothing in this world meant more to me than he did, and I don’t think I let him know that enough.  I literally couldn’t picture my life without him, and I found out really quickly how much my life didn’t work without him.  But I’m extremely stubborn, and I just wouldn’t get off of my high horse.  I would give anything to go back and change everything I did.  Of course, I’ll never tell him any of this, I’ll never be the better person.  I already apologized to him, something that I don’t do often enough.  That didn’t fix things, so I won’t be getting off of my high horse any time soon, or ever, I would imagine.  Gahh, I don’t know.  I just don’t want to be the one crawling back to him.  If he wants me, he can get on his hands and knees and crawl back. I don’t get my knees dirty, and I hate to admit that, but I’m not one to back down.  I don’t think I ever really expected Hayden to actually go through with getting Chad to like her.  I just don’t understand that whole relationship.  But, I wish I hadn’t ever met either one of them, and once I get to college, she will definitely not be in my life, and maybe he won’t be either.

I can’t explain how pissed I was when I found out she kissed him.  I can’t explain how much I really have a deep hate for her inside.  I know I sort of encouraged her to get with him, but I will never ever forgive her.  That makes me a bitch in most books, I’m sure.  But I can’t get over it.  It has been inside of me since the beginning, and I really can’t let it go.  I’m just not strong enough to let it go.  I don’t have that much good inside of me.  It’s probably something that I need to work on.  But I can’t help but think, “He is MINE bitch, so you need to get your hands off of him.”  I’m just not strong enough to be the bigger person in this situation.

I can’t wait for this weekend.  Friday, Clayton Fear Farm trip with friends.  Saturday, Christ School/Asheville School football game.  How amazing is this weekend going to be? Ahh. Can’t Wait. 

feelings are all that matter in situations like these.

relationship-
1. a connection, association, or involvement
2.connection between persons by blood or marriage.
3. an emotional or other connection between people
4. a sexual involvement; affair.

Let’s see here. 

Mr. Maxwell Drake Anderson. I thought I was going to spend forever with him, but I guess that’s not the case.  Dreams got in the way.  He’s going to China in January, and will be there on and off for the next five years.  I am NOT going to college with a boyfriend that isn’t even going to be in the country for the next half decade.  This is just how I feel right now.  He’s an amazing guy, and I’m really in love with him.  He’s one of my best friends, and I can tell him anything.  He’s always been there for me, through every previous breakup, through every previous relationship, or any other major event in my life.  I really wish things were different, because I love to hold his hand and kiss him, and I love the way his arms feel when they’re around me.  Sounds cheesy I know, but it’s completely and totally true. UGHHHHH. So angry about this.  But I’m going to have fun in college, and for the second half of my senior year.  I’m not going to be sad about this.  It’s what he wants to do, and it’s a wonderful opportunity, just one that I’m not a part of.  So, he’s going to have fun in Asia, and I’m going to have fun here.  Leaving high school with a bang. shhhhaaabam

la sangre.

Today was another typical day.  I woke up early, and I had the hardest time actually functioning.  I went to breakfast with Maddie, then all of my classes. My Memphis painting number 5 is driving me nuts! It’s such a big canvas that It’s almost impossible for me to paint. 

This afternoon, I gave blood.  I got to registration in the parlor at 315, and then I didn’t get called over to the bloodmobile until about 415.  It took me forever to answer all the questions that you have to answer about who you’ve had sex with, where you’ve had sex, what countries you’ve been to, what diseases you may or may not have contracted…etc. THEN they prick your finger to measure your iron levels. Oh geez.  That thing hurt the worst.  They put me in the chair, and I was really nervous.  They put the needle in my arm and I thought I was gonna have a heart attack.  It actually hurt pretty bad, (but for future reference, don’t tell someone who’s about to donate blood that it hurts as bad as it does).  I started crying a little bit, that’s for sure.  I was texting Charlie and Max the whole time, and Maddie sat in the front of the bloodmobile waiting for me the whole time.  Anyway, they gave me this little black thing to rotate in my hand while I was donating.   It hurt to move my arm, so I really didn’t want to do it, but they kept watching me so I figured I had to.  Finally, it was over, and she took the needle out of my arm.  The problem was, blood kept pouring out of my arm onto this little piece of gauze they put on it and told me to hold.  It was so gross. I had to look away, because that wasn’t okay with me.  So now, my arm is swollen and bruised, and I feel like I haven’t slept in a week and all of my limbs might fall off. 

We had our echo pizza party/Christmas planning meeting today.  It put me in the Christmas mood, so I made a playlist to listen to.  Alexandra and I are planning on being Who’s for the Christmas show.  We’re gonna take two liter bottles and put them in our hair, to get the full effect. 

This weekend, Maddie and Gini and I are all sharing a room for the Christ School/Asheville School football game.  Brett and I are being twins for the Halloween dance.  We’re wearing camouflage.  We were gonna be the Burger King and Dairy Queen, but that isn’t going to work out, sadly.   

the beginning.

well, i feel like its time to start recording what i'm doing, what's going on in my life, or my thoughts. who knows. its my senior year of high school. i wanna remember it, ya know? i don't want to forget what i was feeling, or what i wanted to say to someone.  

today was kind of a normal day. school, the usual. we had our echo performance (white overalls and all).  "goodbye earl" and "eenie meenie" couldn't be any more different, at all.  i practiced with Maddie in the gym all afternoon, it was nice, now that volleyball season is over, i can officially be relaxed when i'm working out.  its time to start working on softball now though.  

the new taylor swift album came out today. "speak now" its kind of amazing. my favorite song might be either "better than revenge" or "last kiss" as of right now anyway.  

this weekend i'm going up to christ school for the asheville school game.  its going to be so much fun. i'm so excited(: i get to see brett play football, and i get to see kyle, and probably stuart (not that i REALLY want to see stuart or anything, he's kind of gross in my opinion)  icky ickyy poo.

my sister is coming up to school to be a prospective student on thursday. superr pumped

max was down this weekend.  i still can't believe he's going to china.  i guess he and i really weren't meant to be. i'm ready to move on, ready to get out of this relationship and just be free.  i can't really explain it. i'm just like over it already.  he's going to be in china for months, and i just can't handle that kind of long distance.  its not fair to me, and i'm going to college anyway.  ughh. 

one day i'll find the person i'm supposed to be with, and until that happens, relationships aren't something i'm going to worry myself about, especially with my track record.